Wow - what a night! Yes I know the book ended when Granny Moira phoned from Australia in the early hours of Sunday morning, but what I didn't say anything about was the fantastic time we'd had earlier.
It was quite a shock when Ann whispered that sentence in my ear I can tell you! She had that naughty look in her eye and as she gently led me by the hand upstairs, I suddenly experienced an equal mix of anticipation and trepidation. I had absolutely no idea what to do.
As she unpinned her long hair and let it cascade down around her shoulders, she gave it shake and my brain disappeared into my trousers. Slowly, so slowly she inched down the zip on her dress, never taking her eyes off me. I was transfixed; couldn't believe this was happening.
Ann had definitely bought new underwear; my recent washing experiences told me that. She'd never worn French knickers before and the matching bra was doing me a power of good at the same time as giving her a fantastic cleavage. She obviously had no intention of taking either of them off.
"Shall I give you a hand with those buttons?" she sexily asked the wide eyed drooling idiot who'd just replaced the top sanitary ware sales executive.
"S'alright" slobbered the drooling idiot as his trousers defeated him and sent him smashing into the wall causing no pain whatsoever.
"Here; let me help with those" she whispered huskily as she encouraged the slow decent of the idiots underpants until she suddenly exclaimed in a fearful voice, "Oh Pete; you will be gentle with me, won't you?"
It wasn't quite what the idiot had in mind but heard himself answering uneasily, "Of course Pumpkin: I'll be as careful as I can."
The idiot stood there naked as nature intended.
"Oh Pete, I don't know if I can manage all that," she whispered in awe, and thereby compounded the problem by at least another inch.
The vision of loveliness led the gibbering idiot to the bed, and although she kissed him deeply, he was still a frog. By looking into the limpid depths of his eyes, she could tell he was gagging for it. Submissively tendering her final plea, she asked "Would it be alright if I sat on top of you?"
Got to go; my tea's ready.
Monday 22 October 2007
Strangers in bed together
So there we were, sitting on the bed together like a pair of strangers who'd suddenly found themselves in this situation. I don't think either of us knew what to do next! I was worried that I was going to hurt her - Ann screamed once before her hysterectomy - and every now and then I remembered that and... Shit; it had happened again. The Tower of Pisa became a gherkin.
I asked Ann if she'd mind me turning all the lights out and closing the curtains. She thought this would be a good idea! I needed some time with erotic thoughts to restore both manhood and ego. My usual nuns in fish-net stockings and suspenders seemed to have deserted me so I switched seamlessly to emergency plan B.
It's amazing how many times a good technical discussion can get you out of trouble. As I returned to the bed in the dark, I stubbed my toe on the bed post, uttered a barely audible Ow, and took up my original position beside Ann, taking her hand in mine.
"Pumpkin," I uttered lovingly, "Tonight has been the most wonderful night we've had since our first date. After all we've been through in the last ten years, I feel we just need a little time to re-discover each others bodies again - what do you think?"
All I heard was a sniff by way of reply and vaguely saw the ghostly effigy sitting beside me nod wisely, then...
"I think so too Pete," she murmured, "I don't know what you want from me anymore: we've had quite a few times in the last few years where neither of us got much out of it."
Now that hurt. I was on the verge of defending, justifying and attacking when I realized that her hand was resting on my thigh with the gherkin steadily climbing the tower. I recalled one of my bosses saying that I was 'objective orientated' and thankfully that talent shot to my rescue now.
"As this is our first date then, shall we just spend a little time learning how to pleasure each other before the bonk?" I whispered with great sensitivity.
"What a great idea Pete; can I go first!" And with that practiced movement that I could never get the hang of even with the benefit of being able to see what I was doing, off came the bra and pants.
It was strange, but as I felt Ann lying there beside me in the dark, I began to feel progressively closer to her. I sort of felt me lying beside her as well as the other way round. We weren't touching physically, but I could feel her body heat; we weren't talking, but we were communicating. I'd never experienced anything like it before, I only knew that I wanted it to go on and on. And the mad thing was that I instinctively knew that Ann was feeling exactly the same and didn't feel the need to break the spell by checking it out.
I don't know how long we lay like that before things got really weird. In my minds eye I saw myself looking down upon the bedroom scene, smiling a benevolent smile and sort of blessing this couple below. I've never felt so at peace or alive.
Ann said wondrously "I've just had an orgasm."
I said "How could you have done - I never touched you!
"I know, but I can assure you that I did: I've read somewhere that women with spinal injuries that are paralysed below the waist regularly have orgasms. I was feeling really close to you and it just sort of happened!"
"I know what you mean about the close bit" I admitted, "I felt that way too."
What followed has happened before (it's in the book). Before I've had the chance to get the filters in place to edit what I'm going to say next, it's out of my mouth leaving me to deal with the consequences.
"How much do we really know about how to turn each other on; not so much a component location guide, more of an 'it feels wonderful when you do this; oh yes, that's it.... oooh yes; a little bit gentler or a little bit higher..... ohmigod, yes.. yes.....YES. Do you know what I mean?"
"Do you really feel we can talk like that to each other like that Pete?"
"I'll give it a go if you will Pumpkin," and seconds later when we kissed, it felt like every nerve cell in my body was ringing loudly. I could hardly believe I'd been so openly vulnerable.
'I've never been so excited about going back to school,' I thought to myself, 'and why don't they teach you these things instead of all that crap that you'll never use again! Maybe the teachers don't know?'
Ooups, that's the door bell - so bye for now.
I asked Ann if she'd mind me turning all the lights out and closing the curtains. She thought this would be a good idea! I needed some time with erotic thoughts to restore both manhood and ego. My usual nuns in fish-net stockings and suspenders seemed to have deserted me so I switched seamlessly to emergency plan B.
It's amazing how many times a good technical discussion can get you out of trouble. As I returned to the bed in the dark, I stubbed my toe on the bed post, uttered a barely audible Ow, and took up my original position beside Ann, taking her hand in mine.
"Pumpkin," I uttered lovingly, "Tonight has been the most wonderful night we've had since our first date. After all we've been through in the last ten years, I feel we just need a little time to re-discover each others bodies again - what do you think?"
All I heard was a sniff by way of reply and vaguely saw the ghostly effigy sitting beside me nod wisely, then...
"I think so too Pete," she murmured, "I don't know what you want from me anymore: we've had quite a few times in the last few years where neither of us got much out of it."
Now that hurt. I was on the verge of defending, justifying and attacking when I realized that her hand was resting on my thigh with the gherkin steadily climbing the tower. I recalled one of my bosses saying that I was 'objective orientated' and thankfully that talent shot to my rescue now.
"As this is our first date then, shall we just spend a little time learning how to pleasure each other before the bonk?" I whispered with great sensitivity.
"What a great idea Pete; can I go first!" And with that practiced movement that I could never get the hang of even with the benefit of being able to see what I was doing, off came the bra and pants.
It was strange, but as I felt Ann lying there beside me in the dark, I began to feel progressively closer to her. I sort of felt me lying beside her as well as the other way round. We weren't touching physically, but I could feel her body heat; we weren't talking, but we were communicating. I'd never experienced anything like it before, I only knew that I wanted it to go on and on. And the mad thing was that I instinctively knew that Ann was feeling exactly the same and didn't feel the need to break the spell by checking it out.
I don't know how long we lay like that before things got really weird. In my minds eye I saw myself looking down upon the bedroom scene, smiling a benevolent smile and sort of blessing this couple below. I've never felt so at peace or alive.
Ann said wondrously "I've just had an orgasm."
I said "How could you have done - I never touched you!
"I know, but I can assure you that I did: I've read somewhere that women with spinal injuries that are paralysed below the waist regularly have orgasms. I was feeling really close to you and it just sort of happened!"
"I know what you mean about the close bit" I admitted, "I felt that way too."
What followed has happened before (it's in the book). Before I've had the chance to get the filters in place to edit what I'm going to say next, it's out of my mouth leaving me to deal with the consequences.
"How much do we really know about how to turn each other on; not so much a component location guide, more of an 'it feels wonderful when you do this; oh yes, that's it.... oooh yes; a little bit gentler or a little bit higher..... ohmigod, yes.. yes.....YES. Do you know what I mean?"
"Do you really feel we can talk like that to each other like that Pete?"
"I'll give it a go if you will Pumpkin," and seconds later when we kissed, it felt like every nerve cell in my body was ringing loudly. I could hardly believe I'd been so openly vulnerable.
'I've never been so excited about going back to school,' I thought to myself, 'and why don't they teach you these things instead of all that crap that you'll never use again! Maybe the teachers don't know?'
Ooups, that's the door bell - so bye for now.
Critical acclaim for the book
We have had the following exciting comments on the book from respected journals!
‘Hysterectomies for men is a stylish, elegant portrayal of one man's struggle against the forces of nature. The author’s command of both his subject and the English language is occasionally awe inspiring.’ Globe Artichoke News
‘You must be touched if you read this book’ Psychiatrists Monthly
‘I can’t wait for his next book’ Depression Weekly
"Pete: can I ask you something?"
"Pete: can I ask you something?"
"Course you can Pumpkin." I mean; lets face it, we were lying next to each other in the dark, stark naked, she couldn't see my face and we weren't even touching - how threatening could that be?
"What do you need to turn you on?"
Damn it if she doesn't start with a trick question! Still, might as well tell the truth.
"It can be anything really. Sometimes I think about it at work and come home gagging for it. Sometimes you're just bending over and I come over all randy. When we're on holiday and we're by the pool or on the beach, I can't wait to get back to the hotel. Even when we're out with friends and having a great time at opposite ends of the room, I can't wait to get you home. Trouble is, over the last ten years.... Anyway, how about you?"
"S'funny how different men and women are. Like you, all those times and more I've thought about it, but before anything happens for me in the desire department, I've got to feel good about me and I've got to feel good about us. If I'm not feeling good about me, I can't allow myself to enjoy things and if I'm not feeling loved by you at the time, I can't even get started. The last ten years have been hell: when I haven't had physical things to contend with, I've been fighting a running battle with what I've come to realise has been depression. That's why I want tonight to be so good for both of us - I really feel as if I've been set free after ten years of solitary confinement."
That really stopped me in my tracks. How many times had I thought that the gap between us was too wide for us to ever get back to where we used to be?
"So where do we go from here Pumpkin?"
"W e l l, you know you said I could go first a few minutes ago...."
"Ummm"
"Can I tell you what I sometimes dream about when I'm lying awake afterwards, sometimes?"
"Ummm"
"I feel a bit embarrassed about this, but, but....... could you touch me, sometimes, like, like I like to touch myself?"
This was hard. Whilst it would be great to be the fantastic lover that I always thought I was, it would also kind of be an admission of failure and our lack of a sex life all my fault. Reply time running out: tough call. "Ummm."
She hadn't finished yet.
"W e l l, I would love it if you could could just spin it out a bit longer. I love it when we've got plenty of time and the moods right. Call me an old romantic.."
So I did...
"Call me an old romantic....."
"You're a double old romantic;" and we both dissolved into laughter that reduced the tension that was building up and brought us back together again.
"Shall I tell you what I reely reeeely like when you do it?"
"Go on then"
"I love it when you just rub me all over with the palm of your hand with enough pressure not to tickle but just enough to speak to me through the power of touch; as if you were telling me how much you love me. And kiss me and stroke my hair and tell me how happy I make you. And all this time you've not gone anywhere near my naughty bits and I'm getting wet just thinking about it and the tension is building to an almost unbearable level. And then, when I'm almost ready to beg you, you almost absent mindedly do an ever so gentle circuit round the 'clock with no hands'. The relief is only temporary though because now I'm on a different level and my needs have changed. Now my whole body is alive and focused through those two areas. It's bliss when you gently tease my nipple with your tongue and gently, so gently give a little suckling pressure as your hand moves slowly down over my love mound without stopping at the station! My whole body is saying stop right there, but you continue down my leg until you run out of arm. Then you hand swivels over the top of my leg to my inner thigh. I sometimes have an orgasm right then. Now I'm on the top of the world. I'm no longer in the room; there's only you and me in the universe. It's the most exquisite teasing; it's almost painful. The tension as you move towards the signal box at the end of the station becomes unbearable until with a feather-light touch you skip round the box and I feel the electric shock from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. Then you swivel your hand so that your thumb still rests on my signal box whilst your finger enters the tunnel and finds my hot spot just inside on the back wall...... The signal box wants that train in the tunnel immediately. The more the train and it's carriages pass the hot spot, the bigger the pleasure boulder becomes, until finally, it is hurled into the once limpid pool with a massive splash succeeded by multiple waves of pleasure that go on for minutes afterwards. Then, as I return to planet earth, my happiness is made complete if you just hold me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear while stroking my hair."
"Bloody hell."
I was gob-smacked. I didn't realise I was that good and there were one or two things there that unbeknownst to Ann, I would be adding to my stunning repertoire in future. In the next half-hour in fact!
"As this is our first time since the operation Pete, would you mind if I went on top?"
You don't seriously think I'm going to tell you any more before Granny Moira phoned do you?
"Course you can Pumpkin." I mean; lets face it, we were lying next to each other in the dark, stark naked, she couldn't see my face and we weren't even touching - how threatening could that be?
"What do you need to turn you on?"
Damn it if she doesn't start with a trick question! Still, might as well tell the truth.
"It can be anything really. Sometimes I think about it at work and come home gagging for it. Sometimes you're just bending over and I come over all randy. When we're on holiday and we're by the pool or on the beach, I can't wait to get back to the hotel. Even when we're out with friends and having a great time at opposite ends of the room, I can't wait to get you home. Trouble is, over the last ten years.... Anyway, how about you?"
"S'funny how different men and women are. Like you, all those times and more I've thought about it, but before anything happens for me in the desire department, I've got to feel good about me and I've got to feel good about us. If I'm not feeling good about me, I can't allow myself to enjoy things and if I'm not feeling loved by you at the time, I can't even get started. The last ten years have been hell: when I haven't had physical things to contend with, I've been fighting a running battle with what I've come to realise has been depression. That's why I want tonight to be so good for both of us - I really feel as if I've been set free after ten years of solitary confinement."
That really stopped me in my tracks. How many times had I thought that the gap between us was too wide for us to ever get back to where we used to be?
"So where do we go from here Pumpkin?"
"W e l l, you know you said I could go first a few minutes ago...."
"Ummm"
"Can I tell you what I sometimes dream about when I'm lying awake afterwards, sometimes?"
"Ummm"
"I feel a bit embarrassed about this, but, but....... could you touch me, sometimes, like, like I like to touch myself?"
This was hard. Whilst it would be great to be the fantastic lover that I always thought I was, it would also kind of be an admission of failure and our lack of a sex life all my fault. Reply time running out: tough call. "Ummm."
She hadn't finished yet.
"W e l l, I would love it if you could could just spin it out a bit longer. I love it when we've got plenty of time and the moods right. Call me an old romantic.."
So I did...
"Call me an old romantic....."
"You're a double old romantic;" and we both dissolved into laughter that reduced the tension that was building up and brought us back together again.
"Shall I tell you what I reely reeeely like when you do it?"
"Go on then"
"I love it when you just rub me all over with the palm of your hand with enough pressure not to tickle but just enough to speak to me through the power of touch; as if you were telling me how much you love me. And kiss me and stroke my hair and tell me how happy I make you. And all this time you've not gone anywhere near my naughty bits and I'm getting wet just thinking about it and the tension is building to an almost unbearable level. And then, when I'm almost ready to beg you, you almost absent mindedly do an ever so gentle circuit round the 'clock with no hands'. The relief is only temporary though because now I'm on a different level and my needs have changed. Now my whole body is alive and focused through those two areas. It's bliss when you gently tease my nipple with your tongue and gently, so gently give a little suckling pressure as your hand moves slowly down over my love mound without stopping at the station! My whole body is saying stop right there, but you continue down my leg until you run out of arm. Then you hand swivels over the top of my leg to my inner thigh. I sometimes have an orgasm right then. Now I'm on the top of the world. I'm no longer in the room; there's only you and me in the universe. It's the most exquisite teasing; it's almost painful. The tension as you move towards the signal box at the end of the station becomes unbearable until with a feather-light touch you skip round the box and I feel the electric shock from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. Then you swivel your hand so that your thumb still rests on my signal box whilst your finger enters the tunnel and finds my hot spot just inside on the back wall...... The signal box wants that train in the tunnel immediately. The more the train and it's carriages pass the hot spot, the bigger the pleasure boulder becomes, until finally, it is hurled into the once limpid pool with a massive splash succeeded by multiple waves of pleasure that go on for minutes afterwards. Then, as I return to planet earth, my happiness is made complete if you just hold me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear while stroking my hair."
"Bloody hell."
I was gob-smacked. I didn't realise I was that good and there were one or two things there that unbeknownst to Ann, I would be adding to my stunning repertoire in future. In the next half-hour in fact!
"As this is our first time since the operation Pete, would you mind if I went on top?"
You don't seriously think I'm going to tell you any more before Granny Moira phoned do you?
Click Here To Buy The eBook - £1.99
The ebook 'Hysterectomies for Men' is a sensitive man's chronicle of his experiences during his wife's hysterectomy and the comedy that ensues. The blog takes up from where the book finishes.
Includes the following exciting information ...
1. OH GOD, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
Hysterectomy is a terrifying time for a man
2. WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME?
All the positives and escape from the negatives
3. WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT?
A veritable feast of creative learning opportunities
4. COVERT OPERATIONS
How to help and support in the hospital days
5. LOGISTICAL TASKFORCE PLANNING
What to organise and network whilst she’s recovering
6. HOW LONG BEFORE YOU’RE BACK TO NORMAL?
Gradual recovery and resumption of normal life
7. WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘I’VE CHANGED?
How to make your hysterectomy the most positive event for your relationship
8. URM, I SUPPOSE A QUICKIE'S RIGHT OUT OF THE QUESTION?
How your sex life is going to be different
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter and Ann are having a hysterectomy. Pete is a sensitive man and wants to be with Ann every step of the way. Although it was initially hard for him, he was able to keep a diary which chronicles his passage through many formidable battles against seemingly overwhelming odds to emerge victorious. Ann doesn’t know what she’d have done without him. Probably better.
Includes the following exciting information ...
1. OH GOD, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
Hysterectomy is a terrifying time for a man
2. WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME?
All the positives and escape from the negatives
3. WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT?
A veritable feast of creative learning opportunities
4. COVERT OPERATIONS
How to help and support in the hospital days
5. LOGISTICAL TASKFORCE PLANNING
What to organise and network whilst she’s recovering
6. HOW LONG BEFORE YOU’RE BACK TO NORMAL?
Gradual recovery and resumption of normal life
7. WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘I’VE CHANGED?
How to make your hysterectomy the most positive event for your relationship
8. URM, I SUPPOSE A QUICKIE'S RIGHT OUT OF THE QUESTION?
How your sex life is going to be different
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter and Ann are having a hysterectomy. Pete is a sensitive man and wants to be with Ann every step of the way. Although it was initially hard for him, he was able to keep a diary which chronicles his passage through many formidable battles against seemingly overwhelming odds to emerge victorious. Ann doesn’t know what she’d have done without him. Probably better.
If you have a sensitive man like Pete, this is a must-read document that may help him avoid some of the pitfalls that can occur when undertaking daunting tasks like using a washing machine, shopping and the multitude of other roles that can be more challenging to him than life itself. A counselling help-line will accompany this book.
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